**Heads up I swear a time or five in this post**
Lately I’ve been a pretty shitty person to myself. Everyone has that voice that tells them they aren’t enough; they aren’t doing enough or whatever negative shenanigans we choose to listen to.
For a month I’ve been in tune with this voice inside my head, so in tune with it that I almost started to believe it.
So here are the facts. My narcolepsy isn’t under control right now, I’ve gained weight, I haven’t had a real girls night since May, and I haven’t had a day of nothing since god knows when.
My narcolepsy sucks. I always say I deal with it; I always put on this brave face and this great exterior that I have it together. Well here I am to tell you these last 30 days have been the worst days I’ve faced since I was 14 years old. I’ve hallucinated, I’ve mistakenly fallen asleep, slept through alarms…it’s awful. I’ve been coping with caffeine, energy drinks and anything else unhealthy. Is that making it better? Hell no, it’s making it worse.
I’ve gained weight, I haven’t been to the gym everyday, I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I’m too exhausted to get to the gym. I blame my narcolepsy, but I still don’t make any changes. I’m still making poor food and beverage choices.
I haven’t taken time to myself. I just take more and more on. I’m too accommodating, I’m too nice.
Here’s what I realized today.
My narcolepsy sucks, but I’m fucking awesome. Hell I am self employed at 22, kicking ass and paying my bills on time. I’m light years ahead of where I thought I would be. I own my own business. I turned a hobby into a career and I get to spend the rest of my life capturing the best stories. I’m doing just fine.
Maybe if I started to treat myself a little more like the awesome person I am, then my body could respond a little better. Sometimes I’ll sleep in, sometimes I’ll put narcolepsy first so that MAYBE my narcolepsy will treat me with some respect. Sometimes I wont make it to the gym. Some days I’ll need a nap. Some days I’ll have to have caffeine. You know what some days won’t go great. But here I am kicking ass and taking names and reminding myself that I am a great person and I’m destined to continue on doing bigger and better things.
You know I give some of the best damn advice out there, but you also know that taking your own advice is easier said than done.
Cheers to self portraits, self timers and the reminder that I’m on a tremendous journey, take it in, enjoy it and I will always be enough.